


Fix You

by ErykahChanel



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Fluff, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Post Episode: S03E08 A Heart of Darkness, reassurance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-05-15
Packaged: 2019-05-07 08:03:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14666811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErykahChanel/pseuds/ErykahChanel
Summary: After Lilith has taken Jace yet again, Magnus is left to comfort a devastated Alec.





	Fix You

If you're into mood music, enjoy the track that inspired it all [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4V3Mo61fJM).

* * *

 

 

Magnus sat on the couch, only to hop back up a few seconds later. Sitting didn’t feel right - not now. He could pace and pace until there was a trench in the floor, or knock on the bedroom door, pleading with Alec to open it, but he couldn’t sit. 

He knew it wasn’t his fault. 

He knew that there wasn’t anything anyone could’ve done to stop Lilith, but what good did that do? What good did that do Jace, who was probably suffering even more? What good did it do Alec, who’d found a thousand more reasons to blame himself? 

“I should’ve been faster,” Alec had said, still cemented to the floor. He’d been clutching the chains they’d used to restrain Jace for nearly an hour, and cringed whenever Magnus tried to get him to release them. 

“He needed me,” Alec gazed up at Magnus, revealing nothing but agony, and raw pain in his eyes. “He  _needs_ me, and I-”

“You did everything you could,” Magnus said gently. He’d been repeating the line over and over, hoping it would slip through the cracks of the walls Alec was steadily forging in his mind.

For a while, it seemed to be working. Alec sat there, mumbling occasionally, struggling to form a coherent thought, and Magnus stood idly by. He had to tread carefully when it came to Alec’s emotional well being; if he hovered too close, he’d panic, and shut him out. It he drifted too far, Alec wouldn’t be able to pull himself out of the hole he’d been digging.

Alec was the strongest man he knew, but that strength had been tested one too many times, and was waning, right before his eyes. In times of crisis, he’d never had to worry about Alec being the one to fall apart.  

A noise came from the bedroom, and Magnus stopped pacing to listen.

There was something in that shout - a pain behind it. That’s when Magnus knew. The anger was nothing but a shield for pain, like a cornered soldier randomly throwing out grenades, scared for his life, lonely, desperate. He inhaled slowly.  

What if nothing blew up? What if there were no consequences? Wouldn’t Alec have to calm down, then? Wouldn’t the shield clatter to the ground, and let the pain tumble out once and for all?

That was the thing about emotional pain. Emotional pain has a biological purpose, to teach, to educate us away from unhealthy patterns and relationships. Alec had been pushing against it for so long, medicating with friendship, with romantic notions, yet it returned in his weaker moments, devastating his mind, and threatening to consume him. 

Magnus  _wanted_ to help him, to put him at ease, to be the one to kiss all of it away, but he knew that he couldn’t. He knew from experience that prolonging the inevitable wouldn’t end well for anyone. The best thing he could do for Alec was linger, and make sure he knew that he was within reach if he needed him. 

Alec was inside of Magnus’ room, curled up in the center of the bed. He wanted to keep screaming, to force himself to cry, to fall asleep -  _anything_ to release himself from the anguish of his own mind, but the relief never came. Perhaps this was his punishment; knowing he’d been close enough to touch Jace, to feel the terror rattling his limbs when they hugged, only to be left with nothing but chains to remember him by. 

Using the parabatai bond as a way in had been a Hail Mary, but it worked, and it was eating Alec alive. Magnus’ magic had strengthened it somehow, and now, he didn’t have to wonder if Lilith was going to punish Jace for trying t escape. 

He knew for sure. 

If he closed his eyes for too long, the images crept in. He could hear Jace’s cries, and feel his own hands stiffening as Jace fought to keep from lashing out at him. 

Things weren’t supposed to end like this. 

He wasn’t supposed to be lying in bed, too overwhelmed with fear, sadness, and absolute disgust to move. 

_He’s not your brother - he’s not your blood._

Maryse’s words echoed in his mind, and there was a cruel, almost mocking irony to them now. Would it have been better to let Jace go? 

Alec could’ve written a million letters, each one the same as the last in sentiment and cadence - they’d never change. It boiled down to one thing: he missed him. He should’ve been there. Ultimately, no one knew if it was selfish or not, and even if it was, to hell with the rest of the world and their opinions. Jace was the other half of Alec’s soul, for fuck’s sake. Wily heart, torn mind, kind, tortured soul and all. With him gone, Alec’s heart was missing an integral piece, a part that kept it from working correctly. Surely, it would’ve hurt to let go of Jace back then, but now? 

The mere thought of it was enough to bring Alec to his knees. 

He didn’t abandon people when things got hard. He wouldn’t turn his back on  _anyone_ he loved, no matter how bad it hurt to face them. 

There was a knock on the door, and Alec closed his eyes once more. 

“Alec?” Magnus called softly. A thousand questions burned the tip of his tongue, but he bit them all back. 

“I’m going to come in now,” Magnus said, unlocking the door. “You don’t have to say anything - I just want to make sure you’re alright.” 

Alec heard Magnus come in, and felt the bed shift as he sat beside him. Magnus leaned over to run his fingers through Alec’s hair, making him sigh and inch closer to him. 

“I’m sorry.” Alec spoke after a while. “

“For what?” 

“We did everything-  _you_ did everything you could, and I’m being…terrible.” Alec opened his eyes. “I’m sorry you were dragged into all of this.” 

“You don’t have to-” 

“No, let me say this,” Alec sat up, looking Magnus in the eye. “Lilith messed with you too. You said the only reason she didn’t kill you was because she doesn’t want war with your father. If she decided she didn’t care, and I lost you trying to help Jace…” Alec couldn’t fathom the thought. 

He wasn’t sure he’d be able to live with himself if something like that happened. 

“Alexander, stop it.” Magnus spoke firmly. He’d learned when to be gentle with Alec, and when not to be. There were times when he needed to be held and soothed, and this wasn’t one of them. 

“Do  _not_ apologize to me,” Magnus went on. “Not for this. This was not your fault. Lilith was the one that came to me for the elixir, and I gave it to her. Lilith chose to possess Jace. Lilith is responsible for all of this. None of it has anything to do with you.” Magnus tried to keep his eyes on Alec’s but was forced to look away. 

They were wide and unblinking, shining with tears he’d never bring himself to shed, and the sight pained him.

“I’m…” Alec shook his head, realizing he was about to apologize for apologizing. “Never mind.” 

“Here,” Magnus took Alec’s hand, and placed it on his side, right over the parabatai rune. “Close your eyes.” Alec hesitated, but obliged. 

“Can you feel him?” 

“Yes.” Alec winced. “He’s hurting, Magnus. He’s in so much pain, and I can’t-” 

“He’s  _alive_ ,” Magnus stopped him before the panic could set in. “I know that he’s hurting, and I know that that hurts you, but he’s alive. He’s still fighting. He hasn’t given up, and you’re not going to give up either.” 

Alec opened his eyes, and took a deep breath. Was that what it looked like? 

“I wasn’t,” He frowned. “I would  _never_ give up on him.” 

“I know,” Magnus smiled. “He knows it too. We’ll figure this out, okay? I’ll come up with another spell, we’ll try tracking him - this isn’t over. Not yet.” 

Alec couldn’t help but admire Magnus then. Always encouraging, always the strong one, always the one to keep him moving forward. Often times, Alec wondered why Magnus had so much faith in him in the first place. 

“This isn’t over,” Alec repeated, nodding to himself. “But…what if it should be?”

“Nonsense,” Magnus said. “He’s your parabatai. You’ll fight for him until your heart stops beating.” 

This was something that Alec loved and loathed about himself. The gesture was noble enough; going the extra mile for the ones you loved time and time again, but how could he be sure those miles were worth it? 

“That doesn’t…bother you?” Alec asked quietly. He’d always assumed Magnus understood him, but there were times when he needed to be sure. 

“Alexander, Jace is a part of you. He’s just as much your family as Maryse, or Isabelle. Hell will freeze over before I open my mouth to say I have a problem with the lengths you’re willing to go to for him.” 

“Do you really mean that, or are you telling me what you think I want to hear?” Magnus sighed and leaned against the headboard. 

Alec wasn’t  _trying_ to be argumentative - this was just something he did. Of all the Shadowhunters Magnus had come across, Alec was one of the most self-assured. He needed a little push from time to time, but his confidence in his choices was nearly unmatched. However, when his emotions began to run wild, and tensions were high, he’d falter, and need all the reassurance he could get. 

“I mean it,” He said slowly. “To tell you the truth, I love watching you fight for Jace, because I know that you’d do the same for me. At least, I hope you would.” 

“Are you kidding me?” Alec said. “Magnus, I’d do anything for you. Without hesitation.” 

“I know, I know, settle down,” Magnus pat the space beside him, encouraging Alec to come and lie there. 

“I don’t want you to think for one second that I wouldn’t be this torn up if anything ever happened to you,” Alec said. “I’d be a wreck.” 

“There’s another reason, too,” Magnus paused. “If it were you - if something as terrible as this was happening to  _you_ , I’d want all hands on deck. I’d want everyone to do everything in their power to save you.”

Alec didn’t want to think about that. He’d been through his fair share of distress, but knew Lilith would’ve broken him by now. After all, she’d gotten Jace, of  _all_ people, to place a dagger in his hand and beg for death not once, but twice. 

“I wouldn’t care if I was the only one trying,” Alec said. “I’d do anything to get to you, even if it killed me.” 

“Would you be quiet?” Magnus teased. “I know that, because I know  _you_ , Alexander. This isn’t a question of who you love more, or what you’re willing to do for me or Jace. I just want you to know that you have nothing to be sorry about, and that I’m here for you.” 

This was what Alec needed to hear, and he allowed Magnus’ words to sink in and take root. Love was fascinating that way; it allowed Magnus to take Alec’s pain and make it manageable, creating a person capable of recovering where before there was only turmoil. Magnus was able to soothe with his love, with his silliness, and outright cheekiness;  Alec loved him all the more for it. He soothed with a caring that never relented - never faltered. One look from him, and Alec was made whole. It was as if the rain stopped, the wind ceased, and Alec could breathe easier.

“Magnus, I love you,” Alec said. “More than you’ll ever know.” 

It was impossible to stay anxious or upset with him around. Soon, Alec’s eyelids became heavy, and he curled into Magnus’ side, letting the feeling of his fingers in his hair lull him into a sense of security.

Magnus waited until Alec had fallen asleep to look down at him again, and smile at what he saw. 

It was almost funny the way Alec was never truly relaxed until he was in a deep sleep. The familiar crease was absent from the space between his brows, and his lips were pressed together in a soft line. 

“I love you too, Alexander.” Magnus whispered. 


End file.
